I am extremely proud to be part of the Anachron Press horror anthology City of Hell – Chronicles 1 coming out this December. Kendall Grey (you know her, right? such a cool/crazy writer to stalk) orchestrated The Interview From Hell – follow the links at the end of this post to find out other hellish memories…
Kid from Hell
The annoying child across the street to me. Their back garden isn’t far from mine and they have one of those annoying trampolines inside a net. He bounces on that damned thing screaming and shouting at all hours. Drives me nuts. I have considered a sniper rifle.
During birth I broke my collar bone and the doctors never noticed. My mom saw a nurse for a post-natal check up two weeks later and asked whether it was normal that I was a happy baby but started crying as soon as my mom picked me up. The nurse found the broken bone and assured my mom it wasn’t her fault. My mom must have thought I hated her.
I have three – I call them the spawn and they are the burning plasma at the heart of my world and the single reason I will go bat-crazy and drooling before I hit my prime 🙂
As a former middle school teacher, I have a long list of kids from hell, but there was only one I grabbed by the shirt collar and nearly punched. Spawned straight from Satan’s wanton loins, this little shit made it his business to keep all the teachers on Prozac. Years later, I was talking to a substitute teacher at school and thought he looked familiar. I asked his name. It was the kid from hell! All grown up now, he’s the nicest dude.
Aren’t they all from Hell? I mean, really: the crying, the nagging, the demands and diapers. I rest my case.
Any kid that trashes my house, fails to follow rules, cries excessively, or messes with my pets is a kid from hell.
The kid from hell was a little boy named Adam Snavely. Yes, Adam, I’m naming names, dude. I was a kid too at the time, and we knew each other from church. CHURCH, people. Where we’re supposed to love each other like Jesus…or something along those lines. Adam, however, loved staplers. He loved stapling me in particular. I would run every Sunday after church to cower behind my mother’s skirt. My mother, of course, took Adam to task, but his mother would say with a cheerful smile, “boys will be boys.” Really, I should have kicked him in the gonads.
Friend from Hell
I once had a friend who did a terrible and highly illegal thing and had to move to Cornwall to escape the wrath of the family of the person on the end of this terrible thing. On the upside, the only way he could afford his rent was to let the landlord do certain ‘things’ to him against his will to make up the shortfall in the rent.
The only times I ever hated a friend was the dreaded Sunday mornings. Growing up, I used to always be outside, playing or hanging out on the streets. Back then shops were closed on Sundays and my friend’s family slept in. I was bored to tears every time. I still hate Sunday mornings.
Huh. Easy. Sharon. Nightmare. Black hole human. Friend at my second senior school. Needless to say I will NEVER be guilt-tripped into being friends with someone ever again. Back-stabbing cow she was. Told everyone I’d gone nuts when I left school due to having enough of being bullied by people who hated HER. Bitch. I’m totally over it… 😛
I have a few, but I won’t name them. To stay off Kendall’s Friend from Hell list, follow these simple rules. 1) Don’t push your kids off on me. I don’t care how sweet they are. I don’t want them around without you there. 2) Don’t use me. Contrary to popular belief, I can be very kind and giving. If you take advantage of me, I will fuck you up. 3) Be there for me like I’m there for you.
Stephanie was her name: she stole my Smurf ballerina, a French dress for my favorite doll, my Halloween candy and tried to make me fall off my bicycle. Needless to say, we stopped being friends after she brought matches to my sixth birthday party.
Any friend that betrays my trust, covets what’s mine, lies to my face, or uses me for what they can get and then are never there in return is a friend from hell.
Her name was Sandy, and she had hair the color of old cherry Koolaid and a carrot-tinted complexion from too much time at the tanning bed. Sandy was the sort who loved you at first sight and regurgitated her entire life story onto you within minutes of clasping you to her hefty bosom. Sandy was fine until she got drunk, and then she was “Handsy Sandsy.” Woe to the man who stumbled across her path at a party. It didn’t matter if you were gay or straight. If you had a package, her hands were on it. Damn, I miss her at parties.
Check out the rest of the City of Hell crew’s Interview From Hell:
November 14: Colin Barnes – Ride from Hell; Boss/Coworker from Hell
November 15: Victoria Griesdoorn – Pet from Hell; Car from Hell
November 16: Ren Warom – Day from Hell; Illness from Hell
November 17: Kendall Grey – Vacation from Hell; Family Member from Hell
November 18: Anne Michaud – Kid from Hell; Friend from Hell
November 21: Belinda Frisch – Binge from Hell; Book from Hell
November 22: Amy Overley – Meal from Hell; Bug Bite from Hell
November 18th, 2011 at 9:39 am
Oh man, the stapler kid really is from hell, Amy. That’s awful. I have a fear of staples. Now I’m gonna have nightmares. Hahaha!
Colin, your friend from hell story reminds me of “Spaced.” Marsha, the landlord pulls that shit with Brian. Love that show.
Belinda, I’m right there with you regarding friends. Be respectful. That’s what friendship is all about.
Victoria, it freaks me out that the doctors didn’t notice your shoulder was broken. Your poor mum!
Anne, I had a few whack-job friends like that as a little kid too. Though I was the one who played with matches. Hahaha!
Ren, my Demonlings are kids from hell too. Love them to pieces. Would kill for them. Completely unrelated to that, I have a lot less mental stability now than I used to. 🙂
November 18th, 2011 at 2:22 pm
I was probably the kid from hell… I used to get massively over-excited at birthday parties, and play so hard with the new birthday toys I broke a few. I also kept telling the guest magicians that I knew how they did their tricks (I didn’t). Here, and now, if you still bear the scars of a traumatic birthday party, and I was the cause, you have my heartfelt apologies… 😦 *Hides in the corner, in shame*
November 18th, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Kendall, it’s SO not related 😛 They drain sanity like little vampires. That’s what kids are, sanity vamps.
Victoria… wow. Broken collarbone 0.o That’s harsh. Your poor mum! She must have been so distressed to know how you’d been in pain the whole time! I was born so fast everyone was in shock and it took them over half an hour to realise I hadn’t cried. There was a huge panic, because I might have died and they wouldn’t have known (before I was finally born I was stuck in the canal for ages because it was the 70s and stupid nurses were forcing my mum to have an enema even though she was ready to push (I was almost born down the toilet)). Needless to say, when they noticed I’d not cried the midwife ran to the cot and snatched me up and I was so shocked I burst into tears. To this day I tell my mum the midwife was so ugly her face scared me, just to wind her up 😛
I love these answers! I am gagging to know what Colin’s friend from hell did. *an…tici…….pation*
November 18th, 2011 at 9:48 pm
This was fun to read… a few giggles here and there! Thanks for sharing this Anne! What a great post to do! Everyone’s ‘kids from hell’ and ‘friends from hell’ …good stuff! Memorable stories!!! 🙂
November 19th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
So loving this blog hop! Kid from hell, pretty sure that was me, I asked around. Friend from hell, never had one. By the time they were on my friend list they knew better than to screw with me. *shrug* 😛
November 21st, 2011 at 8:47 am
[…] contributors. Today we cover answers to the questions: The Kid from Hell and The Friend from Hell. Read the full interview on Anne’s blog. Posted by […]